Time You Enjoy Wasting Is Not Wasted Time

So back in 2002 I wrote a small piece of fan-fiction supposing The A-Team were a crack tech-support team instead of mercenaries. I actually found the document today so am posting it in all it’s original glory. There are probably some edits I would do after re-reading it, but I am posting it in it’s original form because I don’t have time to re-write it and because I want to. So there.

A-Team Tech Support

Scene opens with BA Barracus sitting at a computer. Phone rings and he answers it.

BA: Yeah?

Customer {with a droning monotone voice}: I’m having problems with my DSL connection.

BA: OK, what we need to do is go over some settin’s….

Customer: Well, it all started back in May. We decided to get DSL because my mother was in town, and she needs to be able to be online while she is on the phone and we didn’t want to get a second phone line, she has this problem with her heart, that’s why she was staying with us and we figured we’d try DSL because my good friend Tom has it and he says it’s great and

BA {interrupting}: I ain’t got time for no jibba-jabba. You best be tellin’ me how yo’ routah is configured.

Customer: Well, I’m not sure.

BA: I pity the foo’ who can’t configure their routah!

Hannibal {stepping in}: That’s OK BA, why don’t you tell her we’ll be right over.

BA {into phone}: We be ovah in a flash, my van is helluva fast!
BA {to Hannibal}: Man, why we always be takin’ these foo’s an’ they probems?

Hannibal: Now BA, you know it’s our job to help these people.

{Face enters}

Hannibal: Face, we need some supplies. A Cisco router, a 10/100 network card and some cat 5 cables. Oh, and we’ll probably need Murdock’s help in configuring the router, better spring him out of the hospital.

BA: Not that foo’ he’s crazy!

Face: Right away!

—-Scene Fades—-

Scene opens up with Face and a beautiful blonde hardware vendor.

Face: Come on, I’ve already got my NIC and my cables, all I need is that router!

Vendor {in a breathy voice}: I’m sorry, but I’m all out of stock… {pauses} But maybe I have one in my apartment, care to come have a look with me?

Face: I’d love to, but I only have an hour.

Vendor: {pouts} That’s all….

Face {looks at watch}: Well maybe two…

Vendor {rubs hand down Face’s chest}

Face: ….. or three.

—-Scene Fades—–

Scene opens with Face driving his sports car towards the hospital. He is on his cell phone with Hannibal.

Hannibal: Where have you been?

Face: I had to do a little extra to get that router…. I’m on my way to get Murdock then I’ll be right over.

{Face drives up to the hospital. After he walks in he casually grabs a white jacket and a clipboard that just happen to be lying near the doorway. He takes the elevator up to Murdock’s floor where he is confronted by a nurse in front of Murdock’s room.}

Nurse: Just where do you think you’re going?

Face: Dr. Smith. I have to transfer Mr. Murdock to a new facility.

Nurse: That wasn’t cleared through me. Mr. Murdock has acute hypertension due to long exposure to stupid customers and mind-damaging tech support calls. He’s a ticking time bomb. If a phone rings near him he goes nuts! He can’t survive anywhere but in his protected environment where he can play Quake, he’s even modified it so he’s shooting his worst customers instead of monsters.

Face {mumbles}: Same thing really.
Face {to Nurse}: Be that as it may, Mr. Murdock is coming with me. We have discovered a cure for his condition, but he must come to our facility.

Nurse: What cure?

Face: Let me demonstrate. {Walks into Murdock’s room, winks at Murdock, who has looked up from his game of Quake} Mr. Murdock?
Murdock: {grunts}

Nurse: See he’s not even polite to people!

Face {walks over to Murdock and passes the clipboard in front of his face}: Now this is just a temporary state, but watch how he reacts now. {Makes phone ringing noise}

Murdock {cheerily}: Hello, and thank you for calling! How may I help you today?

Nurse {shocked}: Oh my God! You’d better take Mr. Murdock so he can be cured for good!

Face {leading Murdock out}: I thought you’d see it that way….

—Scene Fades—-

Scene opens up with BA driving the team in his GMC truck. Hannibal is sitting in the passenger seat with Face and Murdock in the back. Murdock is playing with the router.

Murdock: No, no, no! This is all wrong. How can I possibly bake with this. The recipe calls for 5 tablespoons of shortening, and there can’t possibly be that much in this small box.

BA: That’s Crisco, not Cisco you foo’! {looks at Hannibal} That foo’ is crazy!

Hannibal: Murdock is right though, I don’t think that router is going to work. {opens box} See this is set up for Asian power outlets….

Face {eagerly}: Do you want me to go check with my vendor to see if she has the right one? It should only take me a couple of hours….

Hannibal: No. We have some old circuit boards and a soldering iron. We can make it work.

{Cut to shots of the team quickly rebuilding the router}

—Scene Fades—-

Scene opens on the customer’s house. The team goes inside where they find a young boy sitting in front of the computer.

Customer: Thanks for coming over, this is my neighbor’s kid, he knows everything about computers, but he seems to be having some trouble now…

Kid: I’m not sure what I did but now it won’t go into Windows…..

{BA sets a small explosive charge underneath the seat the kid is sitting on. After a rather large explosion the kid goes flying through the window and rolls across the ground. He gets up and Hannibal punches him in the face, knocking the kid unconscious.
Camera follows in slow motion as BA throws the boy into the bushes.}

Face {to customer}: Excuse me ma’am would you mind showing me your bedroom?

Customer: Why?

Face: I’m going to have to lay some cable….

{Customer leads Face to bedroom}

Hannibal: Let’s get this DSL set up before Decker finds us.

{BA and Murdock configure the router while Hannibal stands guard.}

BA: Foo’! Don’t be eatin’ the cables!

Murdock: But they’re so good! {Plugs in cable} There! We’re all set!

BA: Yeah, that foo’ may be crazy, but he sure can configure a routah!

{Face and Customer emerge from bedroom, their clothes are slightly rumpled. A telephone truck is coming up the street}

Hannibal: Just in time too! Here comes Decker! Ma’am your router is all configured.

{Team jumps into the GMC truck and speeds away, just as Decker pulls up to the house}

Hannibal {smoking a cigar}: I love it when a plan comes together!

—Scene Fades—

END